Dinner and a marriage

Tips to make the night before your Big Day go smoothly

You’ve been dieting for a year. Your mother has been teary for the past two weeks. Your father just keeps patting you on the back and giving you one-liners to live by. Your sister has helped you manage your mother. Your dress is sitting in your closet, the flowers are ready, the menu is set and the countdown has begun…3, 2, 1…

And action. Yes, it’s time to oink out at the rehearsal dinner. This is when, after rehearsing the complicated choreography of the marriage ceremony (hence the term “rehearsal dinner”), the bride and groom host their families and wedding party for a little eat, drink and be merry before the Big Day. It is an opportunity for the families to get to know each other for better (or for worse) and for the singles in the wedding party to stake out the hotties that catch their eye.

While traditionally, the rehearsal dinner is the handiwork of the lucky fella and his clan, times have changed. These days it is common for the couple to host the dinner together, splitting both the cost and planning. But getting to the rehearsal dinner means journeying on a long and winding road, and many details must be considered carefully before the fun begins.

First, the guest list. Deciding who to invite can be one of the wedding challenges that makes you want to tear your hair out. Ellen O’Neil, who has earned her keep as a wedding planner in Charlottesville for the past 20 years, says keep it small. She recommends that the dinner be kept to the immediate family and wedding party. Second cousin twice removed and the cheery barista at the local coffeehouse can be guiltlessly left off the list. Shoot for an ideal group of between 30 and 40 people, says O’Neil. “It diminishes the rehearsal dinner if it is the same number as the wedding reception.” In other words, the rehearsal dinner “shouldn’t outshine the reception.”

After whittling down the guest list, choose the venue and book it immediately. Places go quickly, so the booking order, says O’Neil, is: church, wedding reception and rehearsal dinner. While it is often the case that a formal wedding is balanced by an informal rehearsal dinner, and vise versa, this does not have to be the case. The rehearsal dinner could really take any form: a clam bake, a sit down dinner at Oxo, a pot luck at your grandma’s house, a catered dinner at a hotel and so forth.

Everything depends on the size of the bank account that’s funding this party. It’s never wise to break the bank, and all wedding details, including extras, like gifts for the attendants and after-dinner entertainment, come back to budget. It is often expected that attendants receive “thank you” gifts, but these can run the gamut. For the bridesmaids, anything from chocolates to manicures to jewelry make the grade; for the groomsmen, it can mean anything from ties to a round of golf. After-dinner entertainment is less imperative and depends more on the style of the dinner and the size of the venue.

The rehearsal dinner is also an opportunity for members of the wedding party and family to get up and wax poetic about the couple. When it comes to the toasts, the rule of thumb is to speak from the heart, then it always comes out right. But anyone who’s been to a wedding knows that “right” can mean that the couple must patiently succumb to frat brothers’ raunchy teasing and mother’s embarrassing memories of little Janey dancing around the dining room table in her diapers. “From the heart” is an interpretive term—another reason to keep the dinner small and intimate.

Blush-inducing toasts or no, everyone’s jitters will be redlining. Pampering spa treatments such as massages and aromatherapy soothe the nerves. So does a stiff drink. (But a hangover is probably not the look the bride is going for on her Big Day.)

While rehearsal dinners can take any shape or size, from a Zeta-Jones-Douglas extravaganza on down, one thing, as O’Neil explains, is for sure: the underlying theme that “they’re getting married…the two young people are in love.” Awww, ain’t that so cute.

—NELL BOESCHENSTEIN